Project MBA

Can a young, single mom get into a top MBA program? Can she also qualify for the Boston Marathon the same year?These are the online musings of a crazy, newb m0m on a mission...!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

End of Trail. Continuing past this point
causes excessive resource damage.
I needed a change at the end of 2005. I was divorced several years ago and that was the best thing that ever happened to me. However, because I had married someone with a mental illness it was a long suffering divorce because the insanity escalated to a feverish pitch as the divorce proceeded. No sooner was I enjoying the spoils of my new found freedom that I became involved in a blissful whirlwind of a romance that was too good to be true and ended two years later in a shockingly sad and hurtful betrayal that could never be explained or justified. I had never known how paralyzing heartbreak could feel. I never knew that grieving over a relationship was tantamount to grieving a death. That was at the end of 2005. The year ended with a death. A long, slow, painful death that had begun many months before but I was too weak to extricate myself from its clutches. The final blows were too much to take. The end was a sick and painful writhing of my soul. It was probably one of the single most valuable experiences of my life, though and I am actually thankful for the pain. I truly am. I reevaluated every goal I had ever contemplated and then I decided to take a vacation. I booked a trip to a far away land. I traveled alone and when I arrived I threw caution to the wind and recovered my childlike self. I met a wonderful man. A wonderful man to have the most splendid vacation affair. The kind that you read about in books and see in movies. He had gorgeous looks. We had deep and profound conversations. He was smart and successful. He was kind and gentle natured. We understood all those intellectually strange and beautiful quirks that come from being smart and thinking way too much about thinking way too much. We laughed and joked and stepped way outside our daily model to be completely spontaneous and carefree and it felt really good. I remember one late night when I decided we should skinny dip in the ocean. We stared at the sky and marveled at the stars. "Are there always this many? Are they always this bright and beautiful?"He said "I love your smile the most." Later I looked at him and said "I want to remember your face.....I want to remember it like this..." Perfect in so many ways and exactly the karma and confidence boosting that was bound to come my way eventually. Leaving made me cry. When I came home I was asked "SO ...did you meet the man of your dreams?" I squealed in delight "I did! I did! But did HE meet the woman of his dreams? That's the real question, right?" I laughed it off because we had left our vacation vowing to stay in touch -- so I thought the answer might be "maybe" but knowing deep down that it was "No." I never doubted his affection for me, but he had different ideas about who he would marry and spend his life with and it surely was not a divorced woman with teenagers. We were so opposite. Our lives were so completely different. And despite every impossible romance in the world that had worked out, I knew that he would never see me as a woman who fit his "image". I allowed myself to imagine the improbable just because I could. He indulged me one more time, however by inviting me on a lovely romantic weekend. I was so crazy mad about him and desperately wanted to feel that he was crazy mad about me, too or at least getting there..... but he did not let me feel that. He was careful to never speak of the future and did not even hint about another rendezvous. He chose his words cautiously and kept a thin but powerful barrier between us. Palpable to me because of my extraordinary sense of connectedness to people and the world around me. Once or twice I saw him look at me with tenderness and he even let his guard down accidentally mentioning how we could rule the world if our two personas were to be one. He told me he had dreamed about me and that he had never had conversations about work and business with another woman before. I actually felt special for a few brief moments that weekend. I was always grasping for a sign that this wasn't just a casual fling. Being around him made me feel alive; incredibly alive and safe and secure and my heart was so full. I adored him. He was beautiful to look at and his intelligence was energizing. He made me laugh and I loved every thought we shared. I kept thinking that eventually, if I had more time, I would be able to break down his barriers. I would be able to show him that an image is a fantasy we create of perfection that is usually unattainable. I would be able to make him see that fate had thrown our impossibly opposite lives together for a purpose. I wanted him to take a chance on me. I wanted him to grab me and hold me tight and say something! On our drive back to the airport the air was thick with foreboding. I sensed the disconnect and I hated it. I didn't know how to stop it, though. I was crippled by my fears. My previous grief flooded back like a tidal wave of distress. I didn't want to appear weak and needy and emotional like all the others. I reached out to touch his arm and he didn't move. He didn't acknowledge me or return the gesture and I felt a small knot start to develop in my stomach. I knew he was struggling with issues surrounding his ex-girlfiend despite his protests to the contrary and she had contacted him during the weekend. She expressed her love for him. I wasn't jealous, I was simply disappointed that she had been able to intrude on my time. I knew that the clock was ticking on our weekend and yet everything I said came out wrong and every thought I had was distorted. We said goodbye with a half-hearted hug and when I turned to wave he was already gone. I never really heard from him again. He sent a benign e-mail or two but nothing more than that. No phone calls. No contact. I tried several times to connect with him in some meaningful way, but I was ignored. I decided to take the hint. I don't think that I fully understood what happened. To quote a popular song, "Was it something I said or something I did....did my words not come out right?" Maybe he thought it would just be easier. Maybe he was right. I will never forget him or the time we shared. It impacted me in a profound way because for a moment in time things were perfect. I needed some kind of amazing connection in my life. I needed to feel hopeful about the future and love again. He provided me with that. I thought for many days and weeks that I was fine with everything. That I had not emotionally invested anything and therefore this didn't hurt me. But I was wrong. It did hurt me.

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